ANGER

Felt so tempted to do something I ordinarily wouldn’t do

It was like a burning fire in my chest

A little increase in temperature

The sudden body shakes causing me to remain restless

And a very strong rage in my soul made it difficult for me to remain quiet.

It is so hard having to not succumb to this urge.

But then I struggle to ’cause I am well aware of the regret that comes afterward.

Regrets that eventually hunt me more than the human I let out my anger on.

 

The struggle to not succumb breaks me

But I will rather be broken for not giving in than be broken by the aftermath.

Then, I feel the need to keep quiet

Cause for every moment I’d decide to speak I either talk too fast & or yell too much.

At this point, I am having an inner battle

A battle between my heart and my head

My heart is so good that hurting anyone would hurt me

But my head is so hot and ready to not think or care

Finally, the tears begin to drop down my chin.

Not ‘cause I am weak but ’cause I realized how much strength it cost to not give in.

 

Permit me to take you back to the years I struggled to manage it

I was the sweetest & lovable person, everyone always wanted to be around.

And in just a minute, one single act of disrespect of any kind takes me off

like I just couldn’t overlook things, I couldn’t risk giving anyone a second chance to disrespect me.

It was so bad that I started isolating myself, this changed a whole lot.

Days where I tried to hold back, it messed with my head till I blow it up

I felt pissed with myself and everyone around me that constantly judged me

I felt more upset with those who intentionally triggered me just so they could laugh at me.

To be honest, at some point I fell into depression

It was so bad ’cause I couldn’t speak to anyone, growing up in a typical African home, you can’t be sad/depressed as a child

Some days I just sit in the bathroom and cry

I started crying more than I used to. if you yell at me I’d cry

whenever there is a misunderstanding, I get blamed for it

No one cared to fully listen, cause I’d either explain shouting, not cause I was the one who caused it

It was simply ’cause the other person knows how bad my anger was and uses it against me.

Triggers me and then acts calm. so I don’t blame them for not listening or believing me.

It got to a point I started crying whenever I am asked to explain and yet they still made fun of me ’cause they felt I was just trying to play the victim card

oh no, I was hurting!!! I was in regret not holding back, I was struggling with it, and I was hating them a little more.

 

Eventually, I got used to being laughed at

I got used to not being heard

I got used to being alone

I soaked it all in, all the anger, all the disrespect, all the negative words, I took all of it in.

Till I became cold, aggressive, unapologetic, careless, and uninterested in humans.

 

Used to find it hard speaking to people

Started finding it hard to feel loved by people who loved me

It usually pisses me off when someone tries to love/care and even talk to me.

It was hard but as I grew older, I started making conscious efforts to manage it.

It still wasn’t easy regardless, but I started becoming more intentional.

Started talking to myself and people I cared about

Started doing more of what I love and less of what people wanted me to do.

Started kicking off people who were bent on bringing me out of my character and I started embracing more positive-minded humans.

I played and laughed more, and joked about things even when it was obvious someone did it to trigger me.

I reminded myself daily of how awesome I am and how I am in charge of myself.

Invested my time and energy in things that made me proud of who I am.

Worked on me internally and it started reflecting externally.

 

Now I can look back and pat myself for a job well done

It wouldn’t go off completely but there’s just gonna be a big difference.

You will be more aware and in control of it.

You will also know how to channel it into the right things.

So here is to anyone battling with anger, I totally know how it feels, I know it isn’t a day’s job but hey, I believe in you.

I ain’t no motivational speaker who is gonna lie to you about it being so easy, but trust me, the entire process is going to be worth it.

Don’t do it for anyone, do it for you.

So yeah, cheers to a new journey of becoming in charge of your emotions 壟

 I am rooting for you 

Thanks for reading through, kindly like, comment and share. And if you’d like to share your story, send me a dm on IG:@pecky_unusual or @atalkwithpecky